Saturday, October 10, 2009

actually,... i want to rape!!!

I made an 8 day trip to paris and Frankfurt in the first week November, 2002. On board an emirates flight from mumbai to paris, via abu dhabi… Sipping red wine, served by the sexy Filipina air hostess…. after a few sips, as I felt the wine warm up my soul, I decided to launch into a conversation with my co passenger, an Indian guy in his late teens….. read on friends….

Me: hi!
He: haylo

Me: anand here
He: (showing surprise) here???

Me: I mean I am anand
He: ohh… my name is mansukh… from limbdi

Me: heyy that means you are a gujju, I am from baroda, I have passed thru limbdi many times, on way to rajkot
He: you traawell to rajkot also?

Me: yes I roam all over India, I am into sales. Nice to meet u mansukh
He: yes, very nice…

Me: are you off to abu dhabi, or will you be with me till paris? (mansukh had a habit of making a chuckling sound every few sentences he spoke, the way kids suck a candy, and he had already begun to get on my nerves…thanks to the red wine, I was managing to tolerate his whisssshhhhh whissshhhh sounds he made with his mouth. I was wondering whether his mouth produced extra saliva)
he: no, I em going to peris.

Me: that’s cool
He: hay cool cool, we are same types…

Me: meaning?
He: we two are going to peris, and we two say cool

Me: oh okk. Do you live there?
He: no no, my nani maasi live there, I will joining her from toomorow

Me: and what do plan to do once you are in paris
He: study music, I can use the sexophone, I am a fen of kanny gee.

Me: that’s really nice, what else in music?
He: actually, I want to rape

Me: (choking, with violent jerks, as the wine too got wild, and tried to enter my windpipe after hearing mansukh’s bomb blast) whaaaaatttt??? You want to rape?
He: (smiling, shaking his neck with jerks) yah yah, I very much like to rape…

Me: (hesitantly….instead of asking whom, decided to ask why) but why do you want to rape?
He: bcose I like it, its my ambition….do you know baba saigal?? The rape star?

Me: (getting my wine in the right pipe finally, letting off a huge sighhhh) ohhhh you mean raaaaaaap? You want to rap one day? And you mean SEHGAL?
He: bingawww, you finally got it bose!!

Me: ( I thanked netaji for not being there, or else he would have fainted) that’s nice, have you done a rap song already?
He: yes, I am a bataka lover you know….

Me: bataka? You mean potato??? A rap song on potato??? Are you serious??? He: yes, I want to experiment with everything, and since I like poteto much, I wrote on him.

Me: him?? Ohh you mean “it…”
He: no no I don’t eat, I just wrote.

Me: (desperately looking for the Filipina, as I badly needed another glass of wine….this was getting crazy) okok
He: you want to lissen? Here it is…
A frenchie fry, U tell me why,
Cos I am ur guy, Don’t let me die…
Shaka laka boom boom Shakalaka boom….
Here I go zoom Oh lets do dhoom

A finger chip, U kiss my lip,
And I will take a sip, Then lets go zip…
Shaka laka boom boom Shakalaka boom,
Here I go zoom, Oh lets do dhoom…

A potato chaat Oh dance fatafaat…

Me: (interrupting aggressively) hey that’s great, now excuse me mansukh, I need to go to the loo… will be beck soon, I mean back soon…
he: did you get excited na? You come beck, and I will complete this rape…

me: (desperately seeking god) yes I will soon…

I went to the Filipina charmer, and requested a change of seat, she readily agreed, as, till abudhabi the flight had very few passengers. I also requested one more red wine, and occupied a window seat at the rear, far away from the raping mansukh. God save me, and everyone else from such bizarre rapist…..

As I quietly laid back, sipping another round of red wine, I thought of mansukh, and the talent that he would soon unleash on the innocent Parisians. As I soon went into a gentle slumber, thinking of the lunch that would be served soon, I dreamt of the poor Eiffel tower, losing control, and actually tilting, and leaning… from the harrowing experience of listening to the limbdi-ka-rapist, and competing with its cousin, in Pisa!


Sneha Says said...

hehehehhe....You should also have joined him....may be your rape ooooppssss rap song would have been better than his :P

Vittaldas Prabhu said...

LMAO. "I want to rape"! It cannot get more precious than this. :D

I am extremely surprised how you remembered the lines? My guess is that you took note of it instantly. Or else, this is fiction... your brainchild. :)

Cheers. (Still rolling the floor laughing...)

Chhaya said...

i remember reading this @ ibibo!

laughed again though :D

sandy said...

hahahaha.... Hi Anand bhai, How r you? After a long time I am back and got a nice refreshment from your post. I think it is a collection from your ibibo archive. By the way... what is "Frenchie Fry" ? :)

Uncommon Sense said...

that was fun to read,, and how did u remember the whole rap thing..

btw i m frm baroda too

IdleMind said...

Guess this would-be rapist (sorry, the rapper) could murder anyone with his cryptic pronunciation.

Nice to read it again ...

Anonymous said...

hhehehe... that was really interesting... pateto song was nice... i think you cooked the patetoes...

vicious said...

hahhahahahaha ...anand i just loved it !! superb !!!

Poornima said...

LOL...that was interesting

Anonymous said...

o ji aapne hum gujju logo ko bahot pupular bana diya hai ji....

(waise to me dil-or-dimag se punjabi hun, lekin raheta to rajkot me hun.. to gujju kahelata hun)

haylo bolne se hi pata chal jata hai ki samne gujju namoona( mahatma) hoga.. hehehe

achha... puri post nahi padhi mene... feeling jealous of the mansukhbhai... kaash me hota uski jagah... sakshatkar kar pata na....! so..jealious

now read....
weekend dhamaallllllll
Employee- Boss Aap Shadi-Shuda
Logo Ko Hi Naukri Kyu Dete Ho?

Boss-Kyu Ke Unhe Pehle Se Hi

Galiya Khane Ki Aadat Hoti Hai

Snta Road Pr Cigrate Pita Hua Bhag Raha Tha
Bnta-Kya Kar Rahe Ho?
Snta-Mai Dekh Raha Hu Ki Ek Cigerate Kitne
Kilometre Chalta Hai

Dipu-Tuje Tere Papa Talor Hai Or
Teri Shrt Fati He
Papu-Shrm Ki Bat To Ye He Ki
Tere Papa Dentst He Or Tera Bhai Bina DANT Ke Paida Hua

Hr khushi hasi Mange Apse
Hr phol khushbu mange Apse
Itni Roshani ho Apki jindagi me


"khud bijali wale connection Mange Apse

Nikki... said...

How can you sit in peace after unleasing such a terror on the poor Parisians :)

So when will you start your rape.. oops I mean rap :)

swapnanjali said...

:) enjoyed a lot ...nice to read your blog after a long gap...and your funny experiences really creating magic every where and do you know one thing the way you are expressing the whole fact is too good....

Neeraj said...


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Chandrama said...

LOL...awesome is the word. Finally got to read some stuff from you. Your writing style rocks man! I simply love it :)Its the beest

Suhasini said...

:):):)............L-O-L stuff, aanand..............:):):) tummy has developed ache due to rolling in laughter..........:):):):).........really hilarious...........:):):)...........superb.........:):):)..........

Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!! This is absolute gujju stuff!! I have a friend who does brilliant mimicry of this kind of a conversation... I am SOOO sending this to him!!

pooh said...

Anand Sir, this was awesome! lol...!!